Lesson Four

By Stephenie Spangler and Sarah Knopp

Applying the skills learned in previous lessons to real-life situations, there becomes space in the marriage relationship for a deeper contentment and renewed marital satisfaction. In this space, there is a desire for healing, enjoying one another, and renewing friendship. In this lesson there will be a focus on unity, healthy attachment, enjoying one another’s company, and becoming best friends.

“Happiness is a process, not a place” (1)

Welcome Video

What Makes Us Happy?

“Over time good things and bad things usually lose their power to strongly affect us. Although there are some extreme conditions that can lower our well-being, many of the good and bad events provide only short boosts and downdrafts. Receiving a raise at work, buying a new car, or winning an award are not usually the road to long-term happiness. Instead, fresh involvement in activities, relationships, and goals can be a continuous source of happiness. This does not mean that our circumstances have no influence whatsoever on our happiness; they do. Rather it means that we should not rely on circumstances alone to give us long-term feelings of well-being. Continued involvement in new goals, meaningful relationship interactions, and interesting activities within those relationships, are required to maintain a flourishing sense of happiness” (2).

Finding unity in our marriage relationship, setting new goals, and working together in this crazy thing we call life, will bring the ultimate sense of happiness that we are seeking. Validating one another does not just create safety; there is empirical evidence that it creates happiness and personal growth.

“Feeling validated by a spouse is conceptualized not only as a method of meeting security needs in a relationship, but also as a means of generating excitement within the relationship. It is suggested that excitement stems from learning about oneself and expanding one’s capabilities, and it is further suggested that this type of stimulation is most likely to occur within a secure, validating relationship. The security of being accepted “as is” by one’s spouse should reduce the anxiety associated with self-examination and trying out new ideas and roles just as a validating relationship with a therapist encourages clients to examine themselves in new ways” (3).

Healthy and happy time with our spouse is a sacred time. Deep connection with our spouse and quality time that feels safe will help us hold our marriage relationship as priority above many other options we have to spend our time and energy on. So let’s dive into what could be some of the last roadblocks from finding that connection and safety. After that, let’s step into the excitement of a relationship with high satisfaction!

Attachment Creates an Environment for Growth

Fun video shorts for some laughs that might hit close to home…

First Partner Second Partner (4)

Background on Attachment

Our first relationship as newborns is with our parents. We love and trust them. Unfortunately, as parents there isn’t an instruction manual and we make mistakes. We do our best, and try to teach relationship skills, but we are also still learning ourselves as we raise our children. Often some of those mistakes that our parents made carry into our adult relationships.

Every one of us is walking through life with a small (or large) emotional aquifer of trauma and hurt from past experiences that runs under the solid ground we’re walking on. Because the issues are buried, we are not conscious of them from day-to-day, and we feel like the issues have been addressed; in reality, they are still flowing through us. When we least expect it, someone digs a hole right in front of us, and we fall right back into that flowing river of dirty water. It’s scary, and all sorts of emotions are flowing around us. This hole to our underlying trauma can be dug by anyone, but most often it’s done by ourselves, our spouse, or someone close to us.

As we discussed in our first lesson, all is wedded bliss and trust as we start our marriage; but then as spouses we make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes trigger our partner from something that happened in their growing up years, and we’re triggered into no longer emotionally trusting our spouse. As with parenting, there is also no instruction manual on marriage, and these mistakes can lead to unhealthy attachment behaviors.

It is easy to get stuck in our childhood experiences (or a previous relationship) that caused us to have an unhealthy attachment style. Often, we blame that cause and use it as an excuse to be insecure and unhealthy in our current attachment behavior and assume that we cannot make changes in our style. There are multiple research studies done that show that attachment style can change and will change for more stable security if the effort and learning is there (5, 6, 7).

Therapist Anne Power explains how, as adults, our brain chemistry has the same need for safe attachment as we did in our childhood. Watch this 2 minute clip of her TED talk here. (8).

What if you were able to express your emotions when triggered in a way that sounded like one of the following statements?

I fear that I’m failing you.
I’m worried you’re going to give up and leave.
I’m scared that we won’t be able to change this.
I’m disappointed that this happened again.
I feel scared that I will never get this right.
I’m scared that you will minimize what is important to me.
I worry that I am not what you want me to be.

Think about the safety and security you would feel if your spouse responded in one of these ways.

“It seems like you’re scared, don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere, let’s figure this out together.”
“I’m here, you’re not carrying this alone.”
“Can we stop right now and hug? Then maybe we can set a better time to discuss this.”
“If I offer you some space, I am not abandoning you, I’m just not exactly sure how to help us right now while our emotions are so high.”
“I’m scared right now too.”
“You’re enough for me, we will figure this out.”

These simple phrases are antidotes to attachment fears. Remember that attachment in our marriage is a wonderful thing. It is healthy to be able to count on our spouse and trust them with our entire self, including our emotions and fears. As we are able to healthfully find simple ways to feel safe and create safety for our spouse, we will find ourselves changing any negative attachment behaviors. While understanding the different attachment styles and what might have “caused” your style might be good information, you’ll be more effective if you focus on developing stable and secure attachment in your marriage relationship. Following are some ideas on how to intentionally create attachment-healing experiences in your marriage so your relationship is safe, healthy, and secure.

Lows and Highs Exist in All Healthy Marriages

There is an ebb and flow in every relationship. We want to normalize the fact that sometimes you’re going to feel more synchronized and connected in your relationship than at other times. As with nature, relationships have seasons too (9).

Spring: This is a new relationship. It’s growing. You’re spending lots of time together. Dr. Matt Townsend says that during this season of the relationship, “Chemistry is high and clarity is low.” There’s no way that person will evvvvvver do anything to annoy you!
Summer: The honeymoon phase. You’re happy and making lots of fun memories. Love is still growing, and you tend to quickly forgive or ignore conflict.
Fall: Emotions start to settle. Life happens. Jobs, church responsibilities, education, and children all start to require more of you, and those cute “quirks” now become like fingernails on a chalkboard. Cracks in the fairytale start to appear, and you start to notice what is missing from your relationship.
Winter: You stop overlooking your spouse’s faults. There is conflict, fighting, and contention. You can feel alone and detached. This can also be a time of comfort in the relationship, but it could teeter towards stagnation if you don’t put effort in.

Most likely, all relationships will cycle through these stages multiple times. The point is that if you’re feeling a little concerned that things have gotten ho-hum, or maybe you’re feeling like roommates or co-parents but not much else, your marriage isn’t doomed.

Take this marriage assessment and see what areas of your relationship could use a little TLC. (You’ll need to create a free account, but this website, Focus on the Family, is a great ongoing resource for relationship information.)

Spending Positive Time Together

Rituals

“Rituals reside at the heart of romantic relationships because of their symbolic nature” (10). Rituals are key to creating your relationship culture – your own customs, rituals, and myths around your story and family. Rituals are similar to routines, but contain positive symbolic meaning, and they create a shared sense of meaning and purpose. Rituals can be daily, weekly, annually, or relate to specific events (for example, when a baby is born), and they usually transform over time.

Ideas for rituals

Morning: Snuggle for a few minutes before getting out of bed. Kiss goodbye when you’re parting from each other for the day. Think about something your spouse has ahead of them that day and mention it to them.
During the day: Always check in at some point. A text, quick phone call, or a note stuck in their car for them to see.
Evening: Greet each other with a hug and kiss after coming home. Eat dinner together with no media present (leave cell phones in another room, turn off the tv, etc.)
- FUN FACT: Have you heard of the 6-second kiss or 20-second hug? Check out this video discussing it.
Bedtime: Create a few minutes where you reconnect, no matter how tired you are.

Weekly: Cook breakfast together Saturday mornings.
Schedule a weekly time for at least an hour alone, preferably two hours. This could be a dinner date, a hike, a walk or just time uninterrupted with the bedroom door closed. Take turns planning this time together so it doesn’t feel like a burden to one spouse.
Create special traditions for celebrating your birthdays, anniversaries, or other special dates.
Every year for your anniversary, write each other a love letter.

Pause for reflection and journaling

What are some of the rituals you have in your marriage? Write down some daily, weekly, and annual rituals. What are some rituals you would like to start? Share your ideas with each other.

Novelty

Research shows that boredom is a fear for people considering entering relationships (11). The reality is that there needs to be a balance between predictability and novelty. Predictability is a factor for feeling safe in marriage. We want to know that our spouse will come home to us every night, but we don’t want to eat the same thing for dinner every night. Ya know?! (“Dinner” can be a euphemism if you’d like. 😜)

Esther Perel is a psychotherapist and expert on building and maintaining romantic relationships. In this video, she gives some quick thoughts on the importance of novelty in relationships.

Suggestions for novelty

Plan a vacation somewhere you’ve never been.
Send a sexy text during the day.
Think of something neither one of you has done and try it together.
Surprise your spouse with their favorite treat “just because.”
Find one thing that you enjoy doing together and do it in a new way.
- Go for a hike on a new trail
- Go for a walk in a different neighborhood
- Try a new restaurant
- Play a new board or card game

Pause for reflection and journaling

When was the last time you did something spontaneous for your spouse? Write down what you did and their response. Next, list 1 idea of something you can do FOR your spouse and 1 thing you want to do WITH your spouse in the next week, and make them happen.

(P.S. Some of the new things you do will be “fails.” That’s part of the fun! Not everything you do will be a roaring success. Some of our funniest memories are when something didn’t go according to plan. “Remember that dinner at the restaurant that was so bad…”)

Another view of novelty

My spin on a famous Esther Perel quote: Most of us are going to have 2-3 committed relationships as adults. If we do it right, they will all be with the same person.

Your spouse is not the same person you married, and vice versa. You each have had experiences since “I do” that have shaped and changed who you are today. There is so much you can learn about your “new” spouse!

Bids and Turns

In marriage, couples consistently make bids for connection. These can be small (asking for help to carry in groceries) or larger (needing greater support with a new job), and we respond by either turning towards our spouse or away. In a six-year follow-up on newlyweds that were part of his Love Lab, Dr. John Gottman found that couples that stayed married turned towards each other an average of 86% of the time, while those who divorced turned towards each other only 33% of the time (12).

Turn Towards or Away?

John: Work was horrible today.

Susan: (Not looking up from her phone) That stinks.

John: Work was horrible today.

Susan: (Putting her phone down). Really? What happened?

Susan: My lower back is killing me.

John: (Watching the game) (Grunts in acknowledgement)

Susan: My lower back is killing me.

John: Come sit in front of me. I’ll massage it while I’m watching the game.

Susan: (Grumbling under her breath as she makes dinner)

John: (Hears the grumbling but doesn’t want to open a can of worms)

Susan: (Grumbling under her breath as she makes dinner)

John: What’s wrong?

Susan: I don’t mind making dinner, but I hate the clean-up afterwards. I’m just thinking about how much I’ll still have to do after we eat.

John: I don’t mind the clean-up. Maybe we can figure out a way to divide up dinner responsibilities so you don’t feel like it all falls on you.

Did you notice that all of these examples were small moments? That’s the great thing about bids – it only takes a small gesture to create that connection. One action leads to another, and before you know it, your relationship account in your “love bank” is growing. Hollywood has led us to believe that romance and connection are all about the big moments – the grand gestures. In reality, it’s not the extravagant vacations or huge bouquets of flowers that strengthen our marriages. Those things only turn up the romance if we consistently keep in touch in small ways. (Personally, I would rather have my husband do the dishes or vacuum the floor without being asked than get a new piece of expensive jewelry!)

A Word of Warning

In the first two examples up above, the bids were initially missed because the spouse was distracted. These days, that distraction is often tied to our devices.

Here’s a short video reminder to make our relationships our priority.

In the last example, John had the option to engage or ignore. Sometimes we can miss the bid because it’s cloaked in negativity or complaint. We then respond to the tone instead of the hidden bid.

John: Do you ever think to fill up the gas tank when it’s almost gone?

Susan: (Getting defensive) Do you ever think to pick up your towel off the

bathroom floor?

John: Do you ever think to fill up the gas tank when it’s almost gone?

Susan: I’m sorry. I actually love that you keep track of that for me. It makes

me feel cared for. But if it bothers you, I will start filling it up when it gets low.

REMEMBER

Waaaay back in Lesson 1, we talked about that space we have in which we can choose to react or respond. This applies in the small moments as well as in times of conflict.

Here’s my own 2 cents worth on bids and turns: Don’t wait for it to be verbalized. Be proactive. Are you walking past your husband? Give a pat on the bum or a quick peck. Did your spouse just get home from the grocery story? Get off the couch and go help carry stuff in. Your spouse is sitting watching the football game? Go sit by him and watch for a few minutes. The toys are on the living room floor? Pick them up. If you have been married any amount of time, you know what matters to your spouse more than you think. Don’t wait for the bid – notice and do.

Pause for reflection and journaling

Keep track of your bids and turns for three days. Write down what was said, what was done, and bids that were missed. Did you notice room for improvement? Did you notice patterns in your relationship?

Love Maps

This is what Dr. Gottman calls being intimately familiar with your spouse’s world. Feeling known and understood is foundational to marital satisfaction. What greater gift can we give our spouse than to let them know that we want to take the time and make the effort to know what their worries, dreams, and goals are? Even knowing simple things like favorite ice cream flavor, most embarrassing childhood memory, and physical trait your spouse is most proud of helps you to know them more intimately.

Play this game with your spouse Love Map Game to see just how much you know about each other, and where you can improve.

Nurture Fondness and Admiration

These two relationship characteristics are essential in a long-lasting romance. The spouses who nurture these cherish each other. Ask yourself: Do I admire my husband? Do I look at my wife with fondness? Here’s a spoiler alert – People that are happily married actually like each other! Remind yourself often of your spouse’s positive qualities.

And because we loved learning in Lesson 1 about how our brains affect our emotions, let’s see another way they play into our relationships. Reticular Activating System (RAS)

FUN FACT Have you heard the phrase “You’ll find what you’re looking for?” Yep, science backs that up!

Check out this short article about confirmation bias and frequency illusion that starts in the RAS.

The key to boosting our fondness and admiration for our spouse is to scan for qualities and actions we appreciate and admire. Look for the positive.

Pause for reflection and journaling

What are some things you appreciate about your partner? Write 5 of them down and share them with your spouse. Make sure when you share the appreciations with your spouse, you tell them a specific example. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Thank you for listening to me when…
The way you treat my family means a lot to me.
Thank you for doing the dishes.
You look smokin’ hot.

Another way to grow fondness and admiration is to think about the qualities your spouse has that you cherish. Pick 5 from this list or come up with your own, write them in a note to your spouse, and share it with him/her.

Personal Growth

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you suddenly lose interest in everything you enjoyed before, nor does it mean that you and your spouse share all of the same interests just because you’re married. Husbands and wives can support and encourage each other in their pursuits outside of the relationship.

Your spouse should not meet all of your needs: lover, friend, workout partner, shopping buddy, coworker, life coach, spiritual mentor, etc. That is too much pressure for one person to handle! In the healthiest relationships, there needs to be a balance between autonomy and connection. “A relationship requires the two parties to sacrifice some of their individual autonomy or independence, yet too much connection or interdependence paradoxically destroys a relationship because the individual identities become lost” (13). It’s all about balance. Have shared goals and interests, but don’t feel like you need to have everything in common.

Spend time with a few really good friends: Friendships can give us some of the same benefits as romantic relationships, like a positive sense of self, increased satisfaction with life, a sense of belonging and acceptance, and support in times of need (14).

While I love my husband dearly, I have a few friends that fill that “girlfriend” role for me. I can share frustrations, worries, accomplishments, and insights. We talk about marriage, school, work, family, politics, growing older (ugh!), and religion. Some I go to lunch with; some I exercise with; some I vacation with; some I serve with. They give me a different perspective on things, and they support me and my marriage. My husband has friends that he golfs with and does business with. These are activities that bring him joy, and I love to see him doing something he loves.

Pursue hobbies: What did you love before you were married? What interests you? What is something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet? It’s important that you know yourself. Do you love to run? Dance? Paint? Hike? Read? We don’t stop being individuals when we marry. Our priorities may shift – as they should – but that doesn’t mean an end to things that help us continue to develop all areas of ourselves.
Find a way to focus on serving others: Volunteer in your community, your church or an online organization. Serving others releases oxytocin and dopamine in our brains, which correlates with several positive responses. These include lower stress levels, lower rates of depression and anxiety, and an increase in feelings of purpose and meaning in our lives (15).
Learn something new: Take a class, go back to school, learn an art or a musical instrument, listen to a podcast. Strengthening our brain helps our mind grow and give us more interesting topics to discuss when we have time with our spouse. When we achieve something, learn new skills, or gain new information, it gives us confidence.

Pause for reflection and journaling

Who are some people that I consider my ride-or-die friends? Or do I need to find some? How do I go about finding them?

What do I do to continue my growth and development as a person? Don’t get distressed if you can’t think of anything right away. Depending on your season of life, it may be something small, like listening to a podcast about budgeting, or spending five minutes in prayer each day. Do you have an area you would like to explore more? Start writing down thoughts and ideas so you can create a plan to begin.

Wrap Up

This course has been really enjoyable to create. We have learned a lot of fun and useful information and we hope you have too! We started with us – how our brains affect our emotions and what we can do to manage those so our conflict doesn’t turn to contention. We then turned outward to others – developing empathy and seeing the conflict from our spouse’s perspective and trying to see how the situation looks from their point of view. Lesson 3 focused on some basic conflict resolution frameworks and skills to help guide us through hard conversations. And since (hopefully) we don’t spend most of our time in conflict, this last lesson offered ways to strengthen our relationships in the day-to-day, small and simple interactions.

However, gaining knowledge is only as useful as our application of that information. The journaling, reflection, and practicing parts of the lessons will be where the rubber meets the road. If you don’t see miraculous results in your relationship immediately, don’t despair. Happiness is not a destination; it is a journey!

The information contained in these lessons is not comprehensive of all you can learn, nor is it meant to replace professional help if needed. Please seek guidance from resources available to you.

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References