Lesson One

The overarching goal of this online curriculum is to strengthen individuals, stabilize marriages, and create a solid foundation for families. The goal of this lesson is to create an awareness of physiological responses to emotions, educate the learner how to recognize the primary emotions they are experiencing while in conflict, and then express, in a healthy way to their partner, the feelings they are experiencing. Also, there will be tools and skills given to regulate those emotions and understand responsibility to do so, regardless of the partner’s current reaction or responses.

The principles and tools introduced in this lesson will create a foundation for the future lessons to build upon, thus increasing marital communication and reducing contention in the home.

IN THE BEGINNING…

Ah, those first weeks of wedded bliss! You do everything together, you hold hands, you snuggle, you do whatever your spouse wants – happily! You agree with everything he says; he replies with, “No Sweetcheeks. Whatever YOU want!”

And then – real life sets in.

Marriage: Fantasy vs Reality

Wait a minute – there’s no “happily ever after?” No riding off into the sunset? No “You complete me?” You realize you have your own expectations based on your experiences, and he has his. You have your own opinions – some of them very strong. You have your own ideas on how something should be done, and so does he. Hold on just a second, missy – you mean my definition of clean is not the same as his?

That whole idea of “becoming one flesh” – it’s not quite as easy as we thought it would be.

Pause for reflection and writing:

Think about a recent conversation that turned to conflict and then escalated into contention. If possible, think of one that is recurring in your relationship. Your intention is not to turn it into contention, but it seems to go that direction every time, and you’re not really sure how. You aren’t looking for a fight, yet at the moment, it feels like it can’t be helped. In your journal, or this printable template, write the conversation out and exactly how it happened. How did it start? How did it escalate? What “ended” the argument? Your script does not need to match your spouse’s, this is from your own point of view.

As much as we would like to blame things on other people, we are responsible for our own thoughts and feelings. We all play a part in how our conversations with our spouses play out. This is especially important to recognize in times of conflict.

WHAT’S HAPPENING TO US WHEN CONFLICT BECOMES CONTENTION

In order to understand our role in conflict, it might help to know what is happening in our brain and how that impacts our body. Our brain/body response is called our physiological response.

When conflict occurs, the amygdala engages and responds before we are consciously aware of our feelings¹..

The amygdala is one of the first parts of the brain to form as we develop in the womb. It takes in sensory information and assigns emotional value to it such as level of safety or danger, valence, and intensity.²This is the very primitive part of our brain. Fear and anxiety are the main emotions that the amygdala controls. However, it is also related to “social communication and understanding, including how you interpret someone’s intentions from how they talk or act”. This information includes assigning value to interpreting another’s intentions from their facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language.³

This ability is necessary for a human’s survival and need to protect oneself and loved ones. Back in the day, when humans had to be very aware of surroundings to stay alive, it was effective at warning them of danger. It’s still helpful today, but it can get out of control when emotions come into play. Our brains send out a cascade of hormones causing physical responses. We call this our fight or flight response, or the amygdala hijack. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, calls this “flooding.”⁴

Unfortunately, the initial process in the brain can’t tell the difference between real, actual physical danger and emotional distress⁵, so when we are in conflict with our spouse, it sends a warning signal and our body responds. This often is where a simple conflict turns in the direction of contention.

Here are some physical symptoms that you might be feeling if you’re experiencing flooding:

Sweaty palms
Goosebumps
Your voice raises
You feel out of breath
Your heart races and you may feel like you are having a panic attack
You clench your jaw
Your stomach tightens
Feeling of dread, anger, or emotionally disconnecting

The good news is that we don’t have to let that initial processing decide the outcome of our interactions. We have the ability to bring our physiological responses to a more conscious and developed part of our brains and choose how we will think, feel and then respond to others.^{6 This more developed part of the brain is called the prefrontal cortex.7}

The prefrontal cortex is one of the last areas of the brain to mature. (When you hear that “the brain isn’t fully developed until you’re 25,” this is the part they’re talking about.) It is made up of two major areas and is sometimes called the “personality center” of the brain. It influences our ability to inhibit inappropriate behavior and perform appropriate behavior; foresee and weigh possible consequences; moderate intense emotions; insert impulse control; and delay gratification.

This is great news! This information teaches us that we don’t have to be a slave to our first impulse emotions. The first step of becoming aware of what is happening in our mind and body is key in making conflict work FOR us and our marriage instead of turning into contention that drives us apart.

Fun Fact: The understanding of the role of the prefrontal cortex in personality traits was advanced accidentally – and tragically – thanks to Phineas Gage. Back in 1848, he had a large iron rod pierce his frontal lobe. Shockingly, he survived. However, his personality was drastically changed. Where before he had been a loving and kind husband and father, he became short-tempered and unable to follow through on plans. Find out more here.⁸

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

In 1990, researchers John Mayer and Peter Salovey coined the term “emotional intelligence.” But it wasn’t until psychologist Daniel Goleman took it to the masses in 1995 in his book titled — Can you guess? — Emotional Intelligence.

But what exactly is emotional intelligence? Mayer and Salovey defined it as “a form of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and action.”^{9 In other words, you can recognize and name your emotions, you understand how they are affecting you and others, and you can manage those emotions. It also goes the other direction: you strive to recognize and empathize with others’ emotions and feelings, and you recognize how they affect the other person and you.}

How emotionally intelligent do you think you are? How emotionally intelligent do you think your spouse is?

Take this quick quiz to find out.

Are you surprised by your results? In his book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, author Dr. Travis Bradberry posits that only 36% of people are emotionally intelligent. This is due to their inability to identify and understand emotions.

A large-scale study involving almost 5000 people done by Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist, shows that while a large majority of people think they are self-aware, in reality only 10-15% of them actually are.

Recognizing our own emotions and the effects they have on us and others (self-awareness) is vital to creating healthy cycles of conflict resolution.

WHAT ROLE DOES EMOTIONAL REGULATION HAVE IN KEEPING CONFLICT FROM TURNING TO CONTENTION?

Couples tend to get into conflict cycles. We do the same things every time. Over and over. Again. And again. You get the picture. It is vital to recognize that the conflict cycle that turns into contention is rarely about the actual issue we are arguing about. It is typically about the emotions that we don’t understand how to regulate.

When we decide we’ve had enough, this is where emotional intelligence and regulation come into play, but we’ve got to intercept and consciously change that first response from the amygdala.STEP 1: Create Space — The first step we need to take when we can feel these symptoms coming on is to STOP. Pause, take a breath, and then take another one. Create space.

REMEMBER: We are agents to act, not to be acted upon. We can react, or choose to respond. Stephen Covey attributed the following applicable quote to Viktor Frankl:

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”¹⁰

Take a quick minute to watch this video explaining the importance of emotional regulation.

STEP 2: Notice and Name — What are you feeling? The very act of naming engages the prefrontal cortex and diminishes the effect the amygdala has on us. As stated above by Dr. Bradberry, increasing your emotion vocabulary helps your emotional intelligence grow.

Here is a list to get you started –

BONUS: Want to try this with your children? Here’s a fun version for them.

If you’re stuck in a place where you cannot calm down enough to recognize and name your emotion, set a time to come back and discuss this with your partner. It must be in 24 hours or less. Research shows that it takes men a little longer to experience cortisol recovery than women.¹¹ So, make sure the appointment you have set is far enough in the future that both of you have been able to reduce cortisol levels in your body and calm down. Make this appointment a priority so you are not just avoiding the conflict as a coping tool. This isn’t stonewalling or avoiding; it is showing emotional maturity. You are recognizing how your body is responding, knowing its limitations, and setting a time where you can re-engage and have a higher chance for a better outcome with the conflict. For an effective and powerful strategy explaining how this can work, watch this video here.

STEP 3: Utilize other tools to regulate

Once you’ve got that time set to come back together to have the conversation, practice new tools and skills that will help you regulate these emotions you are learning to recognize. Here are a few healthy suggestions:

Journaling – Getting things out of our brain and onto paper can help us work through experiences and emotions. Seeing things in front of us can help us take a more realistic view and recognize the absurdity in situations. It can provide an opportunity for positive self-talk and identify negative thoughts and behaviors.
Practice gratitude — Write down 5 things you are grateful towards your spouse for. If this feels too difficult in a frustrating moment, then write down 5 things you are simply grateful for. Make this meaningful!
Mindfulness and meditation – Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment. Really feel how you are feeling, recognize it and listen to your body. Where are you feeling it in your body? Now, let it go, release it when you are ready. Meditation can even be as short as 5 minutes. Start with sitting in a comfortable position in a quiet space. Close your eyes and think of nothing but blue skies. If a thought rushes into your mind, notice it and then allow it to leave again. Take deep, slow, breaths. If closing your eyes is too difficult, then focus your eyes on one thing, such as a burning candle.
Move your body – Research shows that a large amount of endorphins (healthy ones) are released when your heart rate increases from body movement. Go for a walk, or dare I say, a run! Move your body enough to allow the blood to flow, your lymphatic system to get moving and clear your head of the stagnant thoughts and feelings that seem stuck there.
Get outside – If you can’t get yourself to really move your body, then just go outside and plant your feet on the ground. Breathing in fresh air from outside and grounding yourself to the earth is a wonderful way to reset your thoughts and your feelings.
Distraction – Get your mind off it for a while. Choose a healthy distraction like a good book, or a hobby such as cooking, crafting, music or even cleaning. Finding a healthy way to be productive is effective at slowing our cortisol levels down and helping us to regulate emotions we can’t seem to get on top of on our own.
Change your perspective – Take a 20,000 foot view.¹² When we get into stressful situations, we tend to get mired in the details. It can be helpful to take a step back to get a different point of view, and remind ourselves that things aren’t quite as bad as they may seem in the moment. Realize that right now, in this moment, everything is fine.
Talk with a trusted friend – Having a close friend who is a good listener and sounding board is really helpful. But be careful! If that person only tells you what you want to hear, that might be hurting instead of helping you. You want someone who is on the side of your marriage. Make sure they are really a sounding board and not someone full of (not so helpful) advice or direction that would not feel comfortable to you.
Shhh – Make sure you’re not telling everyone! When we rehearse a story over and over, it becomes ingrained in our neural pathways. And let’s face it, the story we’re telling is OUR version of what happened. So if we’re rehearsing how horrid our spouse is to five different people, that will surely become reality.
Be kind – Do something for someone else. Service is one of the best ways to feel good about ourselves and our personal circumstance. It builds relationships with ourselves and a higher power. It also increases endorphins and healthy brain activity.
Find a professional – There are people who have gone through many years of schooling and practice to help you if you’re stuck. Don’t be afraid to reach out for a little extra help if you need it!

Things that won’t help:

Ruminating – Ruminating is the act of “repetitive thinking or dwelling on negative feelings and distress and their causes and consequences.” When we are preoccupied with the problem, we tend to be unable to see solutions. When we look for the negative, we see the negative, and we have a more hopeless outlook on life.¹³

Avoiding – Whether it’s social media, gaming, eating, shopping, or substance abuse, we all have coping mechanisms that buffer us from what’s going on in our lives. Avoiding takes the distraction technique to an extreme. We will never work through our emotions if we consistently avoid them and the circumstances surrounding them. Can’t go under them, can’t go around them, got to go through them!
Anger or aggression – We may feel angry, but that doesn’t mean that acting on it is helpful. Usually what comes out of us when we’re angry only makes the situation worse. And aggression – either physical or emotional – is never okay.
Blaming – Blaming someone else means we don’t take accountability. When we don’t take accountability, we cannot grow and change. Even if your spouse has some ownership in the situation, there are better ways to address that than blaming them. Not only will blame halt your progression, it will harm your relationship¹⁴.
Playing the victim – As with blaming, playing the victim means we aren’t being accountable. If we feel like a victim, we have no control over what happens to us or responsibility for our lives.
Self-harm – Harming ourselves is a sign of deeper distress. People may self-harm as a cry for help, to feel any feeling (even if it’s pain) or to punish themselves. This needs to be addressed with the help of a professional.

Pause for reflection and writing:

Remember that conversation you journaled about at the beginning of this lesson? Now we are going to rewrite that conversation, but add into it these steps we’ve learned today and where they might be helpful. Click here to access a printable pdf that lays out the conversation with the steps for you.

Take the time to reflect on the importance of recognizing and expressing how you are feeling in these difficult moments.

**Remember: Our focus for this lesson is just to learn how to recognize, express and begin to regulate our emotions. We have more to learn, so don’t be worried if there is still contention if an argument comes up between lessons!

HOMEWORK:

Journal – What tools are most helpful to me when I need to emotionally regulate? What unhealthy activities do I revert to? What primary emotions do I notice most easily and often in myself?

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE! If you have a conflict arise before the next lesson, practice these steps. Recognize what you felt, how your body felt and what your thoughts were. Journal what this looked like for you!
Course Evaluation

References:

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Šimić, G., Tkalčić, M., Vukić, V., Mulc, D., Španić, E., Šagud, M., Olucha-Bordonau, F. E., Vukšić, M., & R. Hof, P. (2021). Understanding emotions: Origins and roles of the amygdala. Biomolecules, 11(6), 823. https://doi.org/10.3390/biom11060a
The amygdala: A small part of your Brain’s biggest abilities. Cleveland Clinic. (2024, May 1). https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/24894-amygdala
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Covey, S. (2017). Forward . In Prisoners of Our Thoughts: Viktor Frankl’s Principles for Discovering Meaning in Life and Work (Second, p. V–XI). forward, Berrett-Koehler Publishers
Feinberg, M. E., Jones, D. E., Granger, D. A., & Bontempo, D. E. (2012). Anxiety and chronic couple relationship stress moderate adrenocortical response to couple interaction in expectant parents. British Journal of Psychology, 104(4), 525–542. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjop.12005
Sledge, G. (2011). The 20,000-Foot View . ASCO Connection. https://connection.asco.org/blogs/20000-foot-view
American Psychiatric Association. (2020, March 5). Rumination: A cycle of negative thinking. Rumination: A Cycle of Negative Thinking. https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/rumination-a-cycle-of-negative-thinking#:~:text=Rumination%20involves%20repetitive%20thinking%20or,then%20contributes%20to%20more%20rumination
Sangwin, B. (2024, June 25). Why we need to stop playing the blame game. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-we-need-to-stop-playing-the-blame-game/#:~:text=Blaming%20provides%20us%20with%20a,defensive%20interaction%20between%20a%20couple: