Lesson Three

By Sarah Knopp and Stephenie Spangler

The goal of this lesson is to continue strengthening relationships by teaching how to build a framework of constructive conversation upon the foundational skills taught in previous lessons: recognizing and expressing emotions in a productive way, and developing empathy and implementing empathic tools. Participants will accrue additional skills as they learn building blocks of connected conversations and use them in real-life situations.

WELCOME VIDEO

Fighting for Your Marriage is a book based on The PREP method (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) developed by Dr. Scott Stanley and Dr. Howard J. Markham. In this program, they propose a structure of communication called The Speaker Listener Technique.

Tony Overbay, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, created a relationship course called Magnetic Marriage. Within this, he offers an approach to communication that he calls The 4 Pillars of Connected Conversation. We’ve taken concepts from each of these and combined, mixed, shaken – not stirred – them together to give you options to consider and test out in your own relationship to see what works best for you and your spouse.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

For Both of Us

Pick a good environment. If there are work or children distractions, you might want to wait until the kids are in bed and cell phones are turned off. If a conflict starts to escalate, put it on hold until you are in a better place to have the discussion. Schedule a set time and place. Remember H.A.L.T., when you’re hungry, angry (triggered), lonely or tired is not a good time. Plan a moment when you can be connected, have as few distractions as possible, and be prepared mentally and physically (Story & Bradbury, 2004) Don’t wait for perfection though, because then it won’t happen.
The point of the conversation is to hear and understand, not necessarily to resolve. When we get into the mode of problem solving, we often aren’t listening and paying attention like we should. There will come a point where some issues need to be resolved, but now is not the time. Keep in mind that in-depth research has found that “conflicts in which participants felt more understood were more likely to be resolved” (Gordon & Chen, 2015). So, don’t worry that right now is not the time for resolution. By hearing and understanding your partner, you are building a foundation for resolution.
Assume good intentions. When you get in an argument with your spouse, do you automatically think he/she woke up that morning with the sole intention of making your life miserable and hurting you? “I really want to make Anne mad today. I’m going to criticize her for the messy house and make her think she isn’t good at being a mom and wife.” If we’re honest, I don’t think anyone truly believes that. But our amygdala hijacks our emotions and can set us on a downward spiral if we don’t stop it.

One way to stop that is within the pause before we respond – because we’ve been practicing that since Lesson 1 and so we’re pretty much pros at that! In that moment, we can choose what story we tell ourselves about our spouse. “He doesn’t usually talk to me that way. He must have had a hard day.” “This must be really important to her to get so worked up.” Even if the “usual” is negative, we can even say, “She hasn’t learned how to communicate with me in a more calm way because she was never taught it. It’s just going to take practice.”

I like to assign the best possible motive to my husband when he says something that ruffles my feathers, or give him the benefit of the doubt. It ain’t easy, but it’s doable! Because I am choosing how I see my spouse, I want to make sure the story I’m telling myself about him/her is believable to me. If I can’t buy into it, I can change my story until I do believe it. We can choose to offer grace, because we hope in our worst moments – and we will have them – that we are offered grace as well.

When a hard or sensitive topic needs to be addressed, make sure it comes from a place of love. It’s hard enough accepting ownership for something you may need to change when it is addressed lovingly, let alone when it comes with a side order of judgment and a heaping helping of criticism.
Try and see things from your partner’s point of view and how you’re impacting them. Ask yourself, “What is it like to be in this conversation with me right now?”
The speaker has the floor. Choose a concrete item, something that can be held. Whoever is holding it has the floor – it’s their turn to speak. BONUS TIP: If you choose an item that is ridiculous or has an inside joke connected to it, it will automatically help you not to take yourselves too seriously. Which leads to…
If you can use humor in an appropriate way at an appropriate time, do it! Humor can diffuse the tension and create a reset for the conversation. (Remember though that sarcasm is not humor, and neither is making light of your partner’s feelings. So be very careful of how you use humor).
Look for points of agreement and similarities. Say, “I agree with you.” This helps us remember that we are on the same team. We are “one.” Our goal is a united marriage.

Oftentimes in conflict, we really do agree with each other more than we’re aware. We may even be saying the same or very similar things, we just have different interpretations of what the words mean. Our past experiences color the way we define words, and we can attach emotional baggage to them. This is the connotation we give the word(s). Clarification may be necessary – actually it’s almost always necessary – to make sure you are both on the same page. Usually at least once in a higher conflict discussion I have to say, “That’s not what I said” or “That’s not what I meant when I said that.” And then I have to clarify what I did mean.

Share the floor. Take turns being the listener and the speaker over the length of the conversation at regular intervals. You will have to trust each other to not steal the majority of the talking time.

Pause for reflection and journaling:

Try this exercise.

You and your spouse write these words in your journals, and write the definition of that word. Then compare with each other what you wrote.

Successful

Intimacy

Emotional

Romantic

Rules for the Speaker

Have a soft start-up. Dr. John Gottman (1999) talks about the differences in how conversations start. If it starts off negatively and accusatory (a harsh start-up), chances are very low it’s going to go well. He says, “Statistics tell the story: 96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of a fifteen-minute conversation.” Yikes!

REMEMBER: It is possible to use a quiet tone of voice and still convey contempt or criticism. Just because you’re not yelling doesn’t make it a soft start-up.

Pause and fill out this activity to practice changing your start-ups

Speak for yourself and from your view. Use “I” statements. Hopefully

that’s what you did in the practice above! Share what you’re thinking, how

you’re feeling, your concerns, and what your needs and wants are. Don’t try

and guess at your partner’s motives or point of view. Along with this goes

avoiding universal statements like “you always” or “you never” or “everyone.”

Instead, try “In my view” or “It feels to me like.”

Say what you mean; mean what you say. Be direct but kind. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t go on and on. You’ll have plenty of time to say all that you want to as you take turns “sharing the floor.” No need for a Shakespearean monologue.
No blaming or finger pointing. Remember, anytime you point a finger at someone else, three are pointing back at you! Blaming is a sure-fire way to create defensiveness in a conversation and stop the progress you’ve made in its tracks.
Pause frequently to let the listener paraphrase what you’ve said. This allows for an opportunity to make sure you are both on the same page. If it’s not quite right, kindly restate it and clarify. This isn’t a test for the listener – the goal is for your partner to understand you.

RULES FOR THE *LISTENER

Paraphrase what you hear. Pay attention and repeat back in your own words what the speaker said. This shows you are listening and putting in the effort to understand your spouse.
Validate what your spouse says. As we discussed in the last lesson, validation is not agreeing with what your partner is saying, but recognizing that their feelings are what they really feel, whether you agree or not. This is such an important skill to learn that we go more in depth with it **below. “It seems clear that acceptance of one’s “real” self is extremely rewarding.” Thus validation of how your partner really feels, whether you agree or not, will be rewarding and create emotional safety for your partner. As they feel safe, they will be able to calm their negative emotions and work together in a more peaceful way. (Matthews & Clark, 1982).
No:

judging

problem-solving

rebuttals

opinions

“This is the hardest part of being a listener. When you are the listener, your job is to speak only in the service of understanding your partner” (Markman, et al., 2024) Even if you’re thinking “you’re wrong” or “I don’t believe you,” don’t say it. Focus on the speaker’s message.

Make sure your body language is in alignment with #2!! No gestures or facial expressions that show your opinion are allowed. Nope – no eye-rolling. (I will neither confirm nor deny that I might have possibly at one time or another turned my face away so my husband couldn’t see and rolled my eyes. Hypothetically.)
Go into the conversation with curiosity, not judgment. These conversations are a great opportunity to get to know our spouse better. Using ***open-ended questions show we want to understand them. Tagging along with curiosity is Stephen R. Covey’s 5th habit: Seek first to understand, then to be understood (Covey, 1989). Ask questions before you make comments. The phrase, “Tell me more” isn’t a question, but can be a great way to help your spouse open up.
Stay present; lean in; stay out of victim mode. This is difficult when we’re feeling attacked. Even if the speaker is approaching the conversation in a sensitive way, it can seem like an attack. We can feel like a victim which makes us want to go back into our bunker and start lobbing grenades. When we go into this mindset, we start name calling, hurling insults, and playing the victim. “Well, I guess you don’t care what I think.” “I’m never going to be good enough for you, am I?” “It’s just miserable for you to be married to me, isn’t it?” We throw ourselves a pity party for one! But if we stay out of the bunker and stay in the conversation, we can create this positive cycle of connection and intimacy.

Here are some PDFs with the “rules” condensed down. Feel free to print them up and keep them handy for a reminder of the main points of conversation framework.

The Speaker Listener Technique

The 4 Pillars of Connected Conversation

A Deeper Dive

These next few skills are so important to creating healthy conversations that we feel it’s important to share more in-depth information about them,

*Active/Reflective Listening

While it may seem that some people are naturally better listeners than others, listening is a skill that can be developed and improved. In reality, those people have just learned how to listen – whether it was intentional on their part or not.

How good of a listener do you think you are? Test your skills here.

The traits needed to use active and reflective listening are similar, and for our purposes, we’ll treat them interchangeably.

There are three main components of successful active listening (Rogers & Farson, 1987):

Listen for total meaning: When someone is conveying a message, there are two meanings to gather: the content and the feeling or attitude underlying the message. An active listener is not only tuned in to the information conveyed, but also how it is conveyed and any nonverbal cues present.
Respond to feelings: After listening, when a response is appropriate, the listener should respond to the content and feeling of what was said. In this way, the speaker feels understood, validated and empathy is established. Reflecting is the same as validating, with the addition of acknowledging the content as well as the feelings.
Notice all cues: Nonverbal cues include tone of voice, facial or body expressions, and speed of speech. All of these taken together can convey a much deeper meaning than merely the content of what was said (O’Brien, 2024).

In this single video from The Big Bang Theory, you get to see examples of both what TO do and what NOT to do when listening.

Body language:

Nonverbal language accounts for an important piece of interpersonal communication. Our body language says a lot about if we are listening and paying attention in a conversation. If you want to communicate interest in your spouse and what they are saying, here are some skills/tips/tricks/techniques that you need to keep in mind.

Keep eye contact – but not in a weird never-look-away way.

Head nods

Body engaged – open, slightly leaning towards, relaxed, inviting

Facial expressions

Voice inflections

“Uh-huh,” “Hmm”

However…studies show that men are more likely to open up when they are moving or engaged in an activity (Constant et al., 2016). You might find it beneficial to go for a walk and talk.

FUN FACT: Have you heard of phubbing? I hadn’t until I came across a research paper that talked about the effects of phubbing on marriages.

Phubbing – phone snubbing: Ignoring the person/people you’re with to be on your phone

A study done in Turkey shows a marked decrease in marital satisfaction when a spouse pays more attention to their phone than their spouse (Kılıçarslan & Parmaksız,, 2023). I’m not sure that we needed a study to prove that, but there it is!

Following:

To actively follow what the speaker is sharing, you need to allow space for them to speak. Limit your questions to clarifying questions, don’t interrupt, and allow silence if necessary.

Reflecting:

Reflecting repeats back what the speaker said, but avoids parroting the words you just heard. Repeat back the essence of what was said, and capture the content as well as the feelings shared. Remember, this is not the time to interject your thoughts and opinions. Like a mirror, you’re not changing the imaging. You’re just reflecting back their image.

Pause for practice and journaling:

Here are some scenarios in which you can practice reflective listening. After each example, write how you would reflect back the content – what was said. Then write how you would reflect back the emotion – what is being felt.

This is the third time the boss has given Marcia the lead on the project instead of me.
Honestly, I don’t like going to your family events. It’s always so awkward.
My day was exhausting. The meeting went longer than it should have, we didn’t get anything resolved, and my to-do list just keeps growing.
The baby has done nothing but cry all day and the toddler just never slows down. I am so exhausted.
Joey got in trouble at school again! I feel like I am failing him as a parent, I just don’t know what to do.
My conversation with our 16-year-old did not go well today. I thought I could help her understand why we won’t let her go to that party, but she was just so angry and I failed at validating and just got angry back. I feel so helpless.

**Validation: An In-Depth View

Both husbands and wives express feelings of safety, security, and intimacy when they feel validated in their marriage. Validation can be expressed as support and encouragement when a spouse pursues interests outside of the relationship, such as in a career or hobby. It is shown through verbal expressions of caring, response to emotional needs, a willingness to listen, and attempts to understand. Even after years of marriage, this desire to be understood and accepted does not decline (Matthews & Clark, 1982).

Validation occurs when we confirm, mostly through our words, that other people can have their own emotional experiences. A simple statement like, “It must be difficult and painful to have something like that occur,” can be validating. Validation is not agreeing with their emotional experience. It is reassuring them, based on what they have experienced, that it is okay for them to feel the way they do.

If you order a product and someone calls to confirm that you received it, you might say, “Yes, I got the package.” You are only confirming that you received the package. You are not confirming that the contents in the package are in good shape. You are not confirming that the contents are what you ordered. You are confirming that you have the package.

Likewise, validation is confirming that the other person has feelings and that you understand what those feelings are by their expression of them. We are not confirming that the feelings are right, or correct, or even okay. We are also not confirming that we are wrong. Simply stated, “We are confirming to the person that they have just received an emotional package.” The challenge is to let them open the emotional package the way they want to open it.

Statements of Validation

Try to validate the feelings the person shared. We use words that are gentle and phrased as possibilities since we don’t know for sure what the person is feeling.

“It must be very difficult to be in this situation.”
“I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through.”
“It seems like things were going well and then this happened.”
“I’m not sure, but it appears you are saying that this makes you very angry.”
“Do you feel like in a way you were blindsided?”
“It appears to me that you felt very disrespected in this situation.”
“It must be difficult to have so much sadness around this issue.”
“I’m sensing that this brought up real feelings of betrayal.”
“Tell me if I have it correct. What I heard you say is that my statement was very hurtful towards you and it is not the first time you have felt this way.”
“Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. You feel like you don’t matter, your feelings don’t matter, and you have built up a lot of resentment. Is that it?”

When we attempt to validate, we want to use a lot of hedge words or possibilities so we are exploring with the person what they are experiencing. After a statement of validation is shared, stop and listen to what the person says next and then try to validate those feelings. Continue this process until the person feels understood.

Important Caution:

People feel understood without ever using the word “understood” because we are confirming their feelings and emotions. Saying to someone, “I understand,” is usually unhelpful and invalidates their feelings. How can we possibly understand what someone else is going through even if we have had a similar experience? We really don’t know what it is like for them and we want to learn what they have experienced.

Barriers and Fears of Validating

While we may recognize the importance of validation, it is not easy to do. There are often barriers that impact our willingness or ability to follow through with this healing step. Here is a list of some fears or barriers others have noted in their attempts to validate:

If I validate, I won’t be heard (or my pain won’t be understood).
Validation won’t fix or solve the problem.
I don’t know how to validate the right way.
I forget to validate. My reactions to others’ emotions come on so quickly.
If I validate, they will think I’m agreeing with them.
If I validate, they will get stuck in complaining about their problem.
If I validate others, their emotions will escalate and get out of control.
When I feel hopeless it’s challenging to validate because it feels like it doesn’t matter anyway.
When I’m in a great deal of pain it’s a challenge to validate because my own emotions are charged.
If I validate someone who is hurting me, they will continue to hurt me.

It is important to remember the purpose of validating. Validation can open doors for more emotional expression and safety. With emotional safety, greater honesty and expression of underlying emotions usually occurs. This brings about feelings of being understood, which is the beginning for emotional safety. When people feel emotionally safe, they share more. As they share more, we learn more, and that helps us get to the root of the problem. (Handout Resource: Sunset Counseling)

Emotional Invalidation

We have all been in situations where we have been emotionally invalidated or invalidated someone else’s emotions. We feel dismissed and ignored, even when the invalidation is unintentional. Here are some things to help us remember that we don’t need to defend ourselves or try and solve a problem:

Avoid becoming defensive
Don’t offer unsolicited advice
Accept responsibility for the emotion when appropriate

Some validating phrases to try:

No: “It could have been worse” Yes: “I’m so sorry that happened”
No: “That doesn’t sound so bad” Yes: “That must have been really hard”
No: “You’ll get over it” Yes: “I care about you. What can I do to help?”
No: “I don’t want to hear it” Yes: “I’m here for you”
No: “You’re overreacting” Yes: “That sounds frustrating”
No: “Don’t be such a crybaby” Yes: “I can see you’re really upset”
No: “What’s the big deal?” Yes: “This must be so painful”

Final Analysis

Navigating relationships is far from straightforward. But being more aware of the language you use in conversations can make a real difference. Learning to recognize invalidating behaviors and statements can help you develop a healthier relationship with others and yourself (Carrico, 2021).

Asking questions

“The ability to ask questions is the greatest resource in learning the truth.” Jung, 1961

Questions can be powerful. They have the ability to make or break a conversation. The goal, when asking questions in marriage, is not to prove one person wrong or right; it’s to build trust and connection. Open-ended questions can be helpful in showing empathy, helping your partner better express what they are feeling, and creating intimacy in the relationship. They can uncover primary emotions and deepen the conversation. Before you ask a question, stop and do a self-check of what your goal or intention is with the question. If it is for the purpose of building trust, connection and deeper conversation, then ask it.

Remember that tone of voice and the start-up of the question makes a big difference in the outcome. For example:

“Why are you mad?” Compare this to: “You seem upset. What’s going on?” Can you see the difference?

In open-ended questions try to avoid “why?” questions as they can sound harsh and accusing. Instead focus on what will really help your partner get to the root of their feelings. “How, can, what” are all good options for open-ended questions that can invite more conversation and clarification.

How does that make you feel?
How can I be the most help to you right now?
Can I clarify what you said?
What would make us a good partnership right now?
Can you help me better see this from your perspective?

There can even be a time for close-ended questions if you need clarification, but make sure you know when asking these questions will be helpful, and when to refrain. Some examples of helpful close-ended questions could be:

Did I hear correctly when you said…?
Am I understanding that your feelings are…?
Did I paraphrase what you said correctly?
So you would like…?

Conclusion

While we may all want to think that the Hollywood version of relationships is the way it should be, the reality is that anything that is of worth to us will take effort and work. Learning skills to have a connected conversation will, with time, practice, and effort, increase our intimacy and marital satisfaction. We will have our “happily ever after,” but it will not just magically happen when we say “I do.” It will be because we made the decision every day to learn about ourselves, our spouses, and what we can do to become a better individual and partner.

In a nutshell, this video encapsulates a successful conversation utilizing all of the techniques we discussed in this lesson. #couplegoals

YOUR MISSION (or homework): Should you choose to accept it, will be to practice for 15 minutes 3 different times before you continue on to Lesson 4. HELPFUL TIP: Before jumping right into the deep end of a tough conversation, take some time to talk with your spouse and decide your own “rules of engagement.” Practice on less sensitive topics until you both get more comfortable with the roles and rules.

Stay tuned for our last lesson: How to strengthen your marriage outside of conflict. Create a life of satisfaction together!

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References