The goal of this lesson is to continue strengthening relationships by teaching how to develop empathy. This includes recognizing others’ emotions, seeing situations from their point of view, and articulating their position so they feel heard and understood.
Additional tools to help develop empathy to improve conflict resolution, (such as active listening, vulnerability, and validation) will be outlined and explained, with the ultimate objective being the application of the skills in real-life situations.
Introduction to Lesson Two Video
What is Empathy?
Last week, we focused on the importance of emotional intelligence and how it relates to you: recognizing and managing your own emotions.
Another piece of emotional intelligence is being able to recognize someone else’s emotions and understand their perspective (1), then use that awareness to guide your actions.
Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence – Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, calls this “the fundamental people skill” (2). This is called empathy (3).
“Empathy is the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.” (4)
Photo courtesy of drjudithorloff.com
How empathetic in your marriage are you? Take this quiz here to do a quick self-check.
Why Develop Empathy?
Do it for you
Having empathy enhances our own life satisfaction and personal growth.
“The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter.” (5)
Do it for your spouse
Having empathy alleviates loneliness.
“Empathy is a building block of morality – for people to follow the Golden Rule, it helps if they can put themselves in someone else’s shoes.” (6)
Do it for your marriage
Having empathy creates connection.
“It is also a key ingredient of successful relationships because it helps us understand the perspectives, needs, and intentions of others.” (7)
Many studies show a positive correlation – or relationship – between partner empathy and marital adjustment and satisfaction (8, 9, 10).
Do I Have Empathy or Sympathy?
Both sympathy and empathy are great tools for expressing compassion. Sometimes sympathy gets a bad rap because it’s defined as having pity for someone and their situation. Both sympathy and empathy involve having feelings of concern for someone, but empathy involves putting yourself in the other person’s place, not just feeling compassion for them from your own perspective.
FUN FACT: Sympathy was the go-to word from the 1600s until the early 20th century, when empathy snuck in and took over. Find out more here (11).
Sympathy
Greek: syn-/sym- = with; together with
Pathos = experience, misfortune, emotion, condition
Empathy
German: Einfühlung = feeling-in; feeling into
Watch here to author and speaker, Dr. Brene Brown, as she explains the difference.
Pause for Reflection and Journaling:
Think of a time when your spouse (or anyone) has shown true empathy. How did it make you feel about yourself? How did it make you feel towards that person? What happened to your relationship with that person at that moment?
How to Develop Empathy
If you feel like you struggle to feel empathy towards your spouse, you are not alone! We have so many different thoughts and feelings coursing through us when we are experiencing conflict, and if we’re honest, our first thoughts are usually about protecting ourselves and defending our story – usually my story is that “I am right and you are wrong.” When this happens, I need a change in perspective, an attitude adjustment, or a correction to my “stinkin’ thinkin’.” (This is what we call it in my house!)
See Your Spouse From an I-thou perspective, Not an I-it Point of View (12)
In the early 1900s, author, scholar, and philosopher, Martin Buber, wrote a book entitled I and Thou (1923). He stated that we look at people from two different lenses: I-It or I-Thou.
- From the I-It viewpoint, I am a person, but I see you as an object.
- In the I-Thou interaction, we relate to each other as authentic beings. I see my spouse as he is, without judgment. My spouse is his own person, with his own experiences, hopes, dreams, desires, thoughts, ideas, values, etc. What is the most important facet of this view is how I am with you in my own heart and mind. (I think it’s amazing that having this view has nothing to do with how my spouse is showing up in our relationship, and everything to do with my choice.) (13)
The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict is a book published in 2006 by The Arbinger Institute. It expounded on Buber’s I-It view of interactions with others. In this book, the authors show that when we see people as objects, we have put ourselves into one of four boxes, which limits our ability to see others as people.
Example boxes from The Anatomy of Peace, image Integral & Conflict Resolution Notebook
- Better-than box – When I’m in this box, I see myself as better than other people.. They’re not as human as I am because I’m superior..
- I-deserve box – Entitlement. I don’t see others as people because I’m not getting what I believe I deserve.
- Must-be-seen-as box – In this box, I focus on my appearance, and because of that I can’t see others as people. I’m too focused on how I look to others, and I’m worried that they’re watching and judging me.
- Worse-than box – I believe that I’m not worthy and so I can’t relate to others as a caring person.
Each of these boxes has a way that we view ourselves, others, the world, and the feelings that accompany our view. The goal is to get ourselves out of the box so we can see others as they truly are and become one with them.
Pause for Reflection and Journaling:
Think of a recent argument you had with your spouse. Which box were you viewing your partner from? What feelings did you have that corresponded to that viewpoint?
Make Yourself Vulnerable
World renowned researcher Brene Brown has done extensive research on shame and vulnerability. Watch this short video from her TED talk here. We can’t expect our spouse to open up to us if we’re not willing to be open with them. Share your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It doesn’t always feel comfortable. We know that by being vulnerable, we are exposing the most tender parts of ourselves. It can leave us open to ridicule and rejection. And to have that come from the one person on earth who said they would be our ride-or-die no matter what can be extremely painful. It takes courage.
“There is no vulnerability without courage.” Dr. Brene Brown
Make Listening a Priority
I don’t know about you, but a lot of times when I’m “listening,” I’m thinking about what I’m going to say next. Or I think I already understand what the other person is trying to say. Or I know that they’re wrong and I know what to say that will convince them that I’m right. Or I know exactly how to fix the problem. This is not so helpful when trying to create connection!
Click here for a funny – but definitely some truth to it – example.
Instead, Try the Following Behaviors
Photo credit (14)
Ask Questions
Empathy is about understanding our spouse’s perspective. Just when we think we know everything there is to know about someone, we find out there is so much more. Even after over 30 years of marriage, I am still surprised by some of the insights that my husband shares with me. When we ask questions, it shows a genuine interest in the other person and their experiences and shows we really care.
Question Examples
1. What was that like for you?
2. How did you feel when that happened?
3. What did you think when that happened?
4. Can you tell me more about that?
5. What was the hardest part about that experience?
One of the things I find that I need to be aware of is not asking questions from a place of judgment. These examples of judgment can include:
- What is wrong with you?
- Don’t you know me at all?
- How could you do/say/think that?
The way we phrase the question and the tone in which we say it can completely change the way the question is heard. Click here to see how one question can be interpreted in several different ways.
Use Validation
Validation tells someone that their emotions are respected. It makes space for another person’s emotions to exist. Through validation, we can confirm that others have their own emotional experiences and that those experiences are real, valued, and important.
In a research study completed by Claudia Matthews and Russell D Clark, it was found that equity and validation in a marriage had a large impact on marital satisfaction. Validated individuals were “highly satisfied” with their marital relationships and “highly certain that they would still be married to the same partner in 10 years.” Validation also increased emotional and intellectual growth in individuals in their personal lives as well as in the marriage relationship itself.
Basic Validation or Empathetic Phrases
- I understand how you might feel that way
- I would like to better understand your perspective
- I want to do better at being united with you on this
- I hear what you are saying and I feel your pain
- It sounds like you feel…
- I’m listening and trying to understand
- That sounds really painful/scary/hard, etc.
- Of course you feel/felt…
- Thank you for sharing that with me
This can be hard to do when we feel like it is one-sided – that our spouse does not do this for us. But, the only person we can control is ourselves. When I get frustrated that my spouse isn’t acting empathetically, I ask myself this question: “How do I want to show up in this relationship?” This is a reset question for me. Regardless of what is happening or not happening in my relationship, I still have standards on how I want to show up in the relationship. I’m not going to let someone else’s behavior negatively affect the type of partner I choose to be.
Oftentimes, it just takes one partner to change the conflict cycle. When you choose to be empathetic, validate your spouse, ask questions, and really listen, it can change the whole trajectory of the relationship.
Pause for Reflection and Journaling
When we get into a highly emotional conversation, the skills we’ve learned can go right out the window. To prepare for your next conflict – I mean opportunity to connect – write down some questions you could ask your partner to show you want to understand them better. Write some phrases down that you can say to validate your partner’s feelings and experiences.
If you have some questions and phrases already available in your “empathy toolbox,” you’ll be less focused on what you should be saying. Remember that the purpose of asking questions is to deepen your understanding of your spouse’s experience, and we validate to show we understand and to normalize. As you become more comfortable with this, the questions and phrases will come naturally.
REMEMBER: It is not your job to fix the situation or rescue your partner. It is not your job to make them feel better. Your job is to listen, create a safe space, and connect.
Now That We Have Learned the Definition of Empathy Let’s See if You Can Recognize it (or the Lack of it) in Real Life Scenarios
Do this activity with your spouse and see if you can recognize well-intentioned, but ineffective responses.
What Can I Do if My Partner is Not Able to Express Their Feelings?
There could be a lot of factors involved in why your partner is seemingly unable to express their feelings. They may not be ready, or they may not yet understand how to recognize and/or express them. Although expressing emotion can elicit support, create further connectedness, facilitate interpersonal healing, grow a relationship and convey trust, it also reveals vulnerability. (15)
Sometimes past trauma, whether from the current relationship or a previous one, can block a person from being capable of this kind of trust in today’s relationship situation. All trauma is caused in a relationship, whether romantic, parent/child, employer/employee, friendship or other. Because of this, triggers resurface the easiest in future relationships, especially romantic ones.
Marriage relationships are vulnerable, maybe one of the most vulnerable relationships out there. Because of this, we expect the highest trust, and expect the highest treatment, but we also have those expectations easily knocked down, especially in the early years. We do not intentionally hurt one another, but it happens, and often unknowingly. If we find our partner unwilling or unable to express their emotions, seeking first to understand can be an effective step in moving forward (16).
It is common for there to be one spouse who is more emotionally attuned to their partner than the other (17). If you are this person in the relationship, this is an opportunity to help your spouse learn about themselves and how to recognize and express their emotions. Start with asking open-ended, empathetic questions.
Open-Ended Questions Might Look Something Like:
- I want to understand better where you are coming from. Can you try to explain to me what you are feeling right now?
- How is this conflict affecting you?
- I heard you mention______. Can you explain more about that to me?
- What part of this situation feels the most important to you?
- Is there something that seems too heavy to discuss? What would make you feel safe right now?
- What do you feel would be your most desired outcome for us right now?
Pause for Reflection and Journaling:
Write down some empathetic questions that will draw your partner out if they are unable to recognize or express their emotions. It might be a good idea in a peaceful, nonconflicting moment to ask your partner what question might work best for them and then write it down. Don’t forget what we learned last lesson – sometimes a short break can help them regroup and re-engage in the conversation. Don’t be a pest if they need a pause!
When someone expresses emotions, it is a bid for connection (18). Whether positive or negative emotions are shared, there is an inherent feeling of safety when those emotions are handled respectfully. When expressing disappointment or fear, there is a “call for support in the form of reassurance or help in alleviating the cause of those emotions” (19). When they are expressing happy emotions, such as excitement or joy, celebrate with them! This act of positive empathy will fulfill a need in your partner.
When emotions are handled with care, safety is created, healing from past trauma takes place, and marriages are strengthened.
In closing, every human has a need to be heard, understood, and safe. When you manage your own emotions and recognize that your spouse has emotional needs of their own, you are well on your way to connecting through conflict resolution! As you apply what you have learned in this and the previous lesson, you will start to find a trust and connection in your relationship that wasn’t there before.
In the following lesson, we will discuss conversations, how to be equitable and build a framework for constructive conversations that will lead to resolution in conflict. So, practice recognizing your own and your partner’s feelings over the next few days to prepare for the rest of the tools you will learn to complete the conversation.
Relationship Healing Tools 